by Frank Rhombus

There are many professional athletes and coaches whose play and decision-making on the field buys them some freedom to say whatever they want about other players and coaches. Jadeveon Clowney is not one of those guys.

Let’s be honest: Clowney’s football career can be summed up with one play, and odds are you saw it once or four thousand times on SportsCenter:

Jesus. How wrecked were the tighty whities on that announcer? Settle the fuck down, buddy.

But since wrecking both that announcer’s drawers and that running back’s face, Clowney has spent more time cleaning the sand out of his vagina than actually playing football. At South Carolina, not only did Clowney decide to skip his senior season to go pro, but he also decided to skip several games his junior season because of minor injuries that anybody with heart and dedication to the game would have played through.

A year later, the Houston Texans made him the #1 overall pick in the NFL Draft. He would go on to play just four games, recording seven tackles and zero sacks in the process.

So, what Clowney feels he has accomplished that allows him the right to take shots at college football coaching legend Nick Saban in the new book Saban: The Making of a Coach is anybody’s guess, but here’s what he had to say about him:

I don’t see no big deal like everybody else. They’d say, ‘He’s the king of all of football.’ The guy ain’t nothing but 5-5. He’s a short guy. Everybody’s going crazy on Nick Saban.

This isn’t the first time an NFL bust has said something stupid, but it still makes us wonder every time what athletes could be if they would just shut their damn yappers and played the game. In Clowney’s case, we may never know…

Wait, there’s more: The DUD Dishes Out Their MLB Midseason Awards

You have got to see this shit:

by Rakesh the Intern

NFL season start in like 90 minute, and boss is like, “Hey, Rakesh. How about an AFC South preview?” I want to tell him to go fuck self, but I am big pussy so I say, “OK, boss.”

Just like AFC East, there is one team and one team only who will win this division, bro. And if you are picking any team other than Colts, then you are crazier than Uncle Soham, and that guy once ripped penis off of live goat and fed it to his kids. Sick shit, bro.

1. Indianapolis Colts

Check it out, bro. This one is almost as simple as Cousin Harish, and he was born with like three-quarter of brain, bro. They have division’s best quarterback, best receiving duo, and lots of added veteran presence, my friend. If you pick any other team to win division, you should be prepared to get crushed like Cousin Manoj. Dude didn’t look left before crossing street in Howrah, and escaped elephant was there. He was able to run for short while, but elephant eventually put him out like Uncle Ankit puts out cigarette, bro. Sad shit, bro…

Last year: 11-5 (1st)

This year, Vegas says: 11-5 (1st)

The DUD says: 12-4 (1st)

Mike Wells (ESPN) says: 13-3 (1st)

2. Houston Texans

Listen, bro. The best defense in the division belongs to this Houston Texans team, who has this J.J. Watt going around at swatting down balls and shit. I would like for him to impregnate my sister Suhani so then we could get mad Rupee from him. But I don’t think he like Indian woman, bro. Also, if this team could win nine game a year ago with shit from pig quarterback at helm, then expecting one or two more wins this year is not unrealistic, boss. Trust me, bro…

Last year: 9-7 (2nd)

This year, Vegas says: 8 1/2 wins (2nd)

The DUD says: 11-5 (2nd)

Tania Ganguli (ESPN) says: 10-6 (2nd)

3. Jacksonville Jaguars

Let me tell you something, bro. I don’t think me and my massive bush of Indian pubic hair could last two second with this American girly wearing the Jaguar jersey. And two seconds is also probably how long this Jaguar team will be relevant this year again, bro…

Last year: 3-13 (3rd)

This year, Vegas says: 5.5 wins (t-3rd)

The DUD says: 6-10 (3rd)

Michael DiRocco (ESPN) says: 7-9 (3rd)

4. Tennessee Titans

I’m telling you, bro. Watching this Titans team is going to be almost as disgusting as watching my Aunt Mahima pick her teeth with her toenails. No joke, bro. She actually did that at Christmas three years ago…

Last year: 2-14 (4th)

This year, Vegas says: 5.5 wins (t-3rd)

The DUD says: 4-12 (4th)

Paul Kuharsky (ESPN) says: 5-11 (4th)

Wait, there’s more: Here Is How The AFC East Will Finish, Bro

You have got to see this shit, bro:

by Frank Rhombus

Two 6-7 teams battled it out for AFC South supremacy Sunday afternoon, and it was even more pig shit awful than expected.

Odds are you missed the Colts-Texans game Sunday afternoon, and that’s probably because the Indianapolis Colts were playing the Houston Texans.

The Texans eventually beat the Colts 16-10 for their first ever win in Indianapolis. Think about that, you hookers. The Texans joined the empire in 2002. When they played their first game in Indy, Kate Upton hadn’t had her first period yet.

Sunday’s game featured two highlights. I’m fucking serious about that. The first one came with just 1:14 left in the first half when T.J. Yates did Texans fans a favor and tore his ACL. The second came later in the game when Houston stud wideout DeAndre Hopkins cursed out an official:

And that pretty much sums up how awesome 2015 has been if you’re an NFL referee…

Wait, there’s more: These 8 Bowls Can Eat A Dick

You have got to see this shit:

by Tommy Gimler

Like most NFL wide receivers will this year, Will Fuller went off against the Chicago Bears yesterday to the tune of five catches for 107 yards and a tuddy.

But it sounds like that was nothing compared to how he went off on a young girl named Maddie a few summers ago.

According to the gang at Barstool Sports, the Houston Texans wide receiver didn’t have time to leave a “Stay cool!” or “Have a great summer!” or “It was fun looking at Mrs. Schneidler’s mole in English everyday!” in one of his Roman Catholic High School classmate’s yearbooks several years ago, and it turns out the reason why he didn’t have time for that shit was because he was probably fucking the shit out of Maddie:

I’ll be honest, guys. If this really was Will Fuller signing this dude’s yearbook, mad props to him for having the penmanship of a 14-year-old girl. Seriously, I’m jealous. Two, considering the language Fuller used to describe his aspirations of taking Maddie to pound town, we’ll venture a guess that he didn’t use a condom. And three, it was 100 percent – without a doubt – anal…

Wait, there’s more: 2016 Outlook For All 32 NFL Teams In Two Sentences Or Less

You have got to see this shit:

by Rakesh the Intern

Happy New Year, bro! Let’s make it a year where we tear bookie’s asshole to pieces with these can’t miss bets on this silly game of American football, my friend!

Listen, bro. Last year was such bad betting year for Rakesh that mother had to sell herself to China man to pay for shitty bets. She said it was OK though because these guys’ peckers are so tiny that she could not feel shit, bro. She said it was a lot like Uncle Amit, and that dude had most of his penis blown off in war with assholes from Pakistan.

Anyway, boss, this is what I am thinking for this Wild Card Weekend, bro:

Oakland (+4) at Houston and OVER 37 Points

Check it out, bro. All year this Raiders team covering on road has been almost as big of lock as Cousin Gokul not getting the poon. Dude was born with baby left arm and it makes most girls in hometown of Howrah barf. Sad shit, bro. This Connor Cook might be shit from pig quarterback, but he has had week to prepare and should be able to find end zone minimum two times. Houston should be able to win game in end since #1 defense is 8-0 at home during opening weekend of playoffs, but something tell me that this Raider team will hang around for a while, much like Cousin Ankur’s herpes. Sick shit, bro…

Detroit at Seattle (-8) and UNDER 44 Points

Let me tell you something, bro. This Matthew Stafford has finger that is almost as fucked up as time I finger hooker named Shreya in Howrah. Couldn’t grow nail on that thing for almost two years, bro. He is going to need every finger to be 100 percent to even have chance against this Seattle defense that is almost as punishing as Uncle Omkar. He’s in jail now for beating Aunt Tanvi. Turns out that isn’t crime in Howrah, but it is actually not acceptable in Toledo. Meanwhile, this Seattle offense line is bigger mess than Cousin Manoj, and that dude was crushed by elephant. Load up on Seahawks and under in this one, bro…

Miami at Pittsburgh (-10.5) and OVER 46 Points

Seriously, bro. You really expect this Matt Moore quarterback to tear apart Steelers defense like it is my ex-girlfriend Akansh’s poon? She was biggest slut in Howrah, so that’s why it was possible on her, but this Steelers defense will have minimum two interception and one will be returned for touchdown. Final score in this one should be something like 65-6. When that hits, you make sure to use #RakeshIsGod on all twitters or whatever you call it in this country. This one is probably bigger lock than Cousin Deepak knocking up chick this weekend, and he has something like 12 kids and he’s only 28. Potent, bro…

Giants at Green Bay (-5) and UNDER 44.5 Points

Listen, bro. Game time temperature for this one is supposed to be something like 15 degree with wind chill in single digits. That is just too cold for major pussy like Odell Beckham to play football at high level. If Giants score more than 13 in this one, it will be bigger surprise than that time we saw Uncle Kunal fuck goat at family reunion. Sick shit, bro…

Wait, there’s more, bro: Hi, I’m Randy Gregory And I’m A Fucking Idiot

You have got to see this shit, bro:

by Tommy Gimler

It has been quite the crazy night in the NFL with the Raiders playing until almost three in the morning on the East Coast. And naturally, because they’re the Raiders and we’re doing our weekly post on the worst Sunday had to offer, we had to wait until that bitch went final…

Worst Game – Arizona Cardinals 22, Carolina Panthers 6

The Carolina Panthers came into their Week 5 matchup with the Arizona Cardinals allowing just twelve points per game to opponents, and given how Taylor Swift-awful their secondary is, that stat is amazing.  Arizona was averaging about 17 points per game, and that is just dog shit. Watching these two teams go head-to-head sounded like it would be almost as much fun as putting your cock up on a workbench and whaling away on that thing with a hammer. Carson Palmer and Cam Newton threw a combined six interceptions, and the first touchdown didn’t come until the 5:48 mark of the third quarter. If you chose to watch this game instead of the Broncos-Cowboys shootout, well, shame on you, you fucking idiot…

Worst Quarterback – Matt Schaub

Texans fans were already burning his jersey after last week’s choke job, and what did Matt Schaub have up his sleeve for an encore? Eh, how about being on the wrong side of a 34-3 curb stomping in which he threw for 173 yards, 0 touchdowns, and 3 more picks, one of which was returned for a 49ers touchdown? In doing so, Schaub became the first quarterback in NFL history to throw a pick-six in four consecutive games. Simply put, when the answer to a trivia question sounds like it should be Mark Sanchez but instead it’s you, you fucking blow…

Worst Coach – Gary Kubiak

Even my retarded cousin Peter would have benched Schaub after his second pick of the evening, and Peter spends most of his days chasing butterflies in the backyard and shitting his pants…

Worst Fantasy Running Back – Ryan Mathews

ESPN’s resident fantasy dork Eric Karabell had Mathews as the 22^nd best option at running back heading into Sunday’s games, so it’s safe to say his fake owners couldn’t have been expecting too much from the Chargers running back. But they sure as shit were hoping for more than just three carries for eight yards before leaving the field because of an injury. And there you have it. Another year, another Ryan Mathews injury. It’s still too early to tell how serious the injury is, though. We’re still unsure if Mathews couldn’t return because of a head injury or if he just had too much sand in his vagina…

Worst Statement Of The Day By A Radio Announcer That Came Out Quite Racist – Ron Wolfley, Arizona Cardinals

With the Cardinals clinging to a 12-6 early in the fourth quarter, Wolfley and his play-by-play announcer were discussing what the Panthers would do on 3^rd and 3 at the Arizona 11. Wolfey then told his partner not to forget about the “bowling ball with lips” known as Mike Tolbert. And oh yes, friends. Mike Tolbert is African-American. Our intern is still trying to get a statement from Riley Cooper in regards to his thoughts on the matter, but we’re sure that he’s very pleased with what he’s hearing these days down in Phoenix…

by Tommy Gimler

The Houston Texans’ 2013 season can pretty much be summed up with one word: fuck.

Despite boasting the number one passing defense in the NFL, the Texans have really taken some ass poundings the past several weeks. But that’s going to happen when your quarterback continues to complete more touchdown passes to the opposing defenses than his own team.

In Sunday’s 38-13 loss to the pig shit St. Louis Rams, the Texans took the words “hot mess” to a whole new level. Down 17-6 at halftime, Houston fans were already about as happy as a German Shepherd with syphilis. And they must of lost their fucking minds (well, at least the the ones who were still in the stadium) by the time T.J. Yates was intercepted late in the third quarter by Alec Ogletree, who proceeded to return it 98 yards for a Rams touchdown. That marked the fifth consecutive game in which a Texans quarterback threw a touchdown pass to the opposing team, the first time that has happened in NFL history.

After the game, Yates told reporters that he needs to be “smarter with the ball.”

No shit.

It has now been 34 days, in their September 9th 31-28 victory over San Diego, since the Houston Texans last made it through a game without their quarterback gift-wrapping six points to the opposing team. That’s a long period of time. Here’s a list of things that were going on back then:

*Eddie Kessler was still alive on Boardwalk Empire. Oh, spoiler alert by the way…

*Matt Schaub had three touchdowns and one interception to his name. He has since thrown eight picks to just four touchdowns…

*Blurred Lines, sung by the real-life son of the dad from Growing Pains, was still the number one song in America…

*The United States government was still open for business…

*The number one movie in the country was Riddick, and that’s just terrible, America. Shame on you…

*Tom Clancy, a great writer but a terrible interview, was still alive…

*Adrian Peterson was still paying child support…

*The world didn’t know that Jerry Jones uses the same phone as my mom:

by Tommy Gimler

After raising a record $41.6 million in Hurricane Harvey relief, J.J. Watt can plow my sister, and if he and the rest of his Texans teammates can actually stay healthy this year, he could jump to the top of that sister-hump list as a Super Bowl champion.

If you’re looking for an absolute lock in terms of doubling up your kid’s college fund, Blake Bortles throwing more than 13 balls to opposing players seems to be juicier than Charlotte McKinney’s tits. So does Andrew Luck’s throwing shoulder falling off his body before Week 6.

Other than that, here’s how we see the AFC South playing out this year:

1. Houston Texans

There are plenty of parts of Houston not worth visiting these days, but their sports arenas and stadiums aren’t on that list. With a healthy Watt and Deshaun Watson back in 2017, I’ll put a nickel on the Texans to not only win the AFC South but also the entire conference. Of course, should Watt, Watson, Will Fuller, DeAndre Hopkins and Lamar Miller all go down for the season with infected hangnails or some shit, then I’ll probably just delete this post…

2017 record: 4-12

DUD’s 2018 prediction: 11-5

Vegas says: 8.5 wins

Sports Illustrated says: 9-7

Bleacher Report says: 8-8

2. Tennessee Titans

The Titans have a better quarterback, wide-receiving corps, tight end and of course, second-string running back than the Jaguars. They also have an easier schedule and waaaaaaaaaaay better city to call home…

2017 record: 9-7

DUD’s 2018 prediction: 9-7

Vegas says: 8-8

Sports Illustrated says: 8-8

Bleacher Report says: 10-6

3. Jacksonville Jaguars

If I was into 11 superb male athletes who played defensive positions for the same NFL team, I’d jerk off three times a day to the Jacksonville Jaguars defense. Well, I’m not. And I’m definitely not punching my clown to anybody on the other side of the ball for these guys. Not even Leonard Fournette because I’m a foot guy, and his feet always seem to be fucked up…

2017 record: 10-6

DUD’s 2018 prediction: 8-8

Vegas says: 9-7

Sports Illustrated says: 10-6

Bleacher Report says: 10-6

4. Indianapolis Colts

According to Urban Dictionary, an Indianapolis Nut Packer is the challenging yet eloquent art of gripping one’s cock and ball pouch with the dominant hand and swiftly inserting the meaty package into the unsuspecting anus of the sexual partner whilst engaging in a doggy style bone session “sans lube.” That sounds like it has the potential to turn at least one head, which is one more than the Colts will turn with another year of subpar play…

2017 record: 4-12

DUD’s 2018 prediction: 3-13 

Vegas says: 6.5 wins

Sports Illustrated says: 5-11

Bleacher Report says: 5-11

Wait, there’s more: 2018 NFC West Preview: 49ers Fans Are Dreaming Of A Season Bigger Than Jimmy Garoppolo’s Girl’s Boobs

You have got to see this shit:

Shoutout to the toddler who drew a penis on Good Day Philadelphia this morning pic.twitter.com/Ge7f2SWeIG

— Dan McQuade (@dhm) August 29, 2018

by Rakesh the Intern

Step aside, Florida Man. There’s a new sheriff in town and his name is Big Dick Nick. bro.

Check it out, bro. It’s once again that time of year when silly game of American football consumes our lives. Take a seat, hooker. Take a seat, kid who might not be mine. It is now time for daddy to lose college fund on fixed game of NFL football. Unless of course daddy takes gambling advice from Rakesh and throws Rupee down on these picks for AFC South win totals.

Good luck, bro!

1. Jacksonville Jaguars

Listen, bro. I don’t care what thugs in Vegas are saying about this Jaguars team. Fact of matter is that the man with the biggest penis in entire league is now standing under center, and let’s just say that center should be nervous. Imagine having biggest dick on team in Philadelphia, even bigger than teammate with last name Cox. Are you going to bet against dude with biggest pecker in the game? Don’t be dipshit, bro. Bet on Big Dick Nick and this soon to be great again defense…

2018 record: 5-11 (4th)

2019 DUD prediction: 10-6 (1st)

Vegas says: 7.5 wins (t-3rd)

Bleacher Report says: 8-8 (3rd)

Sporting News says: 4-12 (4th)

2. Indianapolis Colts

I’m telling you, bro. This one is as simple as Cousin Harish, and he was born with just three-quarter brain. The 2019 Colts season will come down to health of quarterback Andrew Luck, and from what I have been reading, it seems as though if opponent farts near this guy, he is going to collapse into hundred pieces. Plenty of talent on roster to make great run in postseason, but one bad tackle on quarterback could turn this promising season into one that is shit from pig, bro…

2018 record: 10-6 (2nd)

2019 DUD prediction: 9-7 (2nd)

Vegas says: 10-6 (1st)

Bleacher Report says: 10-6 (1st)

Sporting News says: 11-5 (1st)

3. Houston Texans

Let me tell you something, bro. This Texans offensive line is a lot like Cousin Gokul in game of billiards: pure goat shit, bro. Gokul has baby left arm so balancing cue is almost as impossible as getting pussy with that disgusting thing flapping in wind. But I always root for this J.J. Watt guy to win games, bro. I also root for him to impregnate my wife. Bottom line is this, bro. Schedule for Texans in harder than college freshman in hooker house, so odds are Watt will have all of January to hump my wife, my friend…

2018 record: 11-5 (1st)

2019 DUD prediction: 8-8 (3rd)

Vegas says: 8-8 (2nd)

Bleacher Report says: 9-7 (2nd)

Sporting News says: 8-8 (2nd)

4. Tennessee Titans

Check it out, bro. There are three good teams in this AFC South. Titans are not one of those teams, bro. If there was one thing I remember Uncle Omkar saying before he was hauled away to jail for fixing local cricket match, it is that you should not bet on Hawaiian players during mainland winters. Or he could have said to take care of mother, but either way, this one is easier than slut ex-girlfriend Akansh. Take the Titans under and enjoy getting clean hooker when it hits in November, my friend…

2018 record: 9-7 (3rd)

2019 DUD prediction: 7-9 (4th)

Vegas says: 7.5 wins (t-3rd)

Bleacher Report says: 7-9 (4th)

Sporting News says: 5-11 (4th)

Wait, there’s more: Here Is How AFC North Will Finish, Bro

You have got to see this shit:

by Tommy Gimler

Hell, it might be the best thing we’ve seen all year.

Let’s be honest. The National Football League blows. If you’re looking for an exciting game of American football, you’ll have to tune in on Saturday.

That’s right, kids. Roger Goodell and his band of hoodlums have managed to transform what was once the greatest sport on the planet into a weekly soap opera that culminates in 60 minutes of referees – not the players – deciding what many are beginning to believe are scripted outcomes. In other words, they’ve turned it into a steaming pile of pig shit.

Goodell’s zebras littered the playing field with so many flags on Sunday alone that nine of the 26 teams playing finished the day with at least 10 accepted penalties on their resumes. Again, that’s accepted penalties. Maybe it’s just us, but throwing a flag every third play is a great way to get the majority of us with fully-functioning brains to either turn the channel or turn to our wives and say, “You know what? I will go to your friend’s baby shower today.”

In fact, it’s gotten so bad that this was by far the best play to come out of Week 5:

.@dawson_knox with the full flip. pic.twitter.com/UoFOiM15Yq

— Jeff Eisenband (@JeffEisenband) October 6, 2019

You really have to give it to the Titans player there, as that is definitely an effective way to bring your opponent to the ground. And hey, apparently throwing an elbow into an opponent’s yam bag is the one thing that is not a penalty in today’s NFL. Good work…

Wait, there’s more: When Being A Member Of The Bills Mafia Goes Much Worse Than Usual

You have got to see this shit: