by Tommy Gimler
After finishing the 2012 campaign with an NFL-worst 2-14 record, this year’s Kansas City Chiefs are the lone unbeaten team, sitting atop the AFC West with a 9-0 record. If you called that, you’re a fucking liar.
AFC EAST
Current Standings On Pace For Vegas Said The DUD Said
1. New England Patriots 7-2 New England 12-4 New England 11-5 New England 12-4
2. New York Jets 5-4 New York 8-8 Miami 8-8 Miami 8-8
3. Miami Dolphins 4-4 Miami 8-8 Buffalo 6.5-9.5 Buffalo 5-11
4. Buffalo Bills 3-6 Buffalo 6-10 New York 6.5-9.5 New York 4-12
Midseason Analysis: No surprise with New England atop the division standings, as the AFC East is pretty much a real life case of the movie Twins. In New England, they were trying to create the most fully-developed football team the world has ever seen, as all the purity and strength went into the Patriots. All the crap that was left over, went into what Joe Philbin sees in the mirror every morning.
Biggest Surprise: The Jets have somehow won more games at the halfway point than we had them pegged for at the end of the season. And the way they’re winning is more disgusting than a “not overly obese anymore” Rex Ryan sucking on his wife’s big toes. New York is 27th in points per game, Geno Smith’s quarterback rating is worse than Christian Ponder and Chad Henne, and their 17 giveaways are the most in the AFC. Their turnover differential (-10) is the fourth worst mark in the NFL, and their point differential of -62 is the third worst mark in the AFC. Yet if the season ended today, the Jets would be a postseason team…
AFC NORTH
Current Standings On Pace For Vegas Said The DUD Said
1. Cincinnati Bengals 6-3 Cincinnati 12-4 Pittsburgh 9-7 Cincinnati 11-5
2. Cleveland Browns 4-5 Cleveland 6-10 Cincinnati 8.5-7.5 Baltimore 9-7
3. Baltimore Ravens 3-5 Baltimore 6-10 Baltimore 8.5-7.5 Cleveland 7-9
4. Pittsburgh Steelers 2-6 Pittsburgh 4-12 Cleveland 6-10 Pittsburgh 7-9
Midseason Analysis: The collapse of the Steelers and Ravens cannot be summed up with words, so we’re going to let this video of Kelsey Grammer illustrate just how far these franchises have fallen and how painful it’s been for their fan bases:
Biggest Surprise: We would like to take this time to apologize to the Cleveland Browns front office, as we ripped them a new one the day after trading away Trent Richardson, kind of like the way Lexington Steele would rip up a young porn starlet’s hump hole. The Browns won three straight games following that trade, and last week’s impressive victory over the division rival Ravens gave them sole possession of second place in the AFC North. Cleveland’s defense is giving up less than 316 yards a game, good for the 4th-best mark in the NFL. Brandon Weeden fucking blows, but Jason Campbell has thrown five touchdowns and zero picks in his last two games as the starter…
AFC SOUTH
Current Standings On Pace For Vegas Said The DUD Said
1. Indianapolis Colts 6-2 Indianapolis 12-4 Houston 10.5-5.5 Houston 11-5
2. Tennessee Titans 4-4 Tennessee 8-8 Indianapolis 8.5-7.5 Indianapolis 9-7
3. Houston Texans 2-6 Houston 4-12 Tennessee 6.5-9.5 Tennessee 6-10
4. Jacksonville Jaguars 0-8 Jacksonville 0-16 Jacksonville 5-11 Jacksonville 3-13
Midseason Analysis: Who knew that when we predicted the Jaguars would win three games this year that we were giving them way too much credit? The Colts are going to win this division, as they have four sure wins remaining on their schedule against St. Louis, Arizona, Houston, and Jacksonville to give them at worst a 10-6 record. But if you’re looking for a dark horse team to sneak into the postseason like a family of Latinos stuffed in the back of tractor trailer at the border, don’t overlook the Titans. A 9-7 AFC team can make the playoffs this year, and the Titans have two games against Jacksonville remaining on their schedule as well as a road game in Oakland and home games against Arizona and Houston. Win those, and a 9-7 record and a potential postseason berth could be in their future…
Biggest Surprise: What in the hell happened to Houston? The Texans were a sexy pick to finally get over the hump and make it to the Super Bowl this year, but it looks like the only way they’re getting into MetLife Stadium this February is if they all buy tickets. The Texans boast the number one defense in terms of yardage this year, but who gives a shit? When your quarterback is consistently handing the opposing team six points or setting them up at the Texans 25-yard line, it’s going to be tough to rack up yards on the defense. Houston’s -11 turnover differential is brutal, like having to sit next to a smelly Indian tourist on the bus brutal. Only the Giants have a worse mark, and they also blow…
AFC WEST
Current Standings On Pace For Vegas Said The DUD Said
1. Kansas City Chiefs 9-0 Kansas City 16-0 Denver 11.5-4.5 Denver 12-4
2. Denver Broncos 7-1 Denver 14-2 Kansas City 7.5-8.5 Kansas City 8-8
3. San Diego Chargers 4-4 San Diego 8-8 San Diego 7.5-8.5 San Diego 6-10
4. Oakland Raiders 3-5 Oakland 6-10 Oakland 5.5-10.5 Oakland 4-12
Midseason Analysis: A year after being the turd division of the AFC, the West’s top three teams are sporting a combined record of 20-5. Nobody has scored more points per game than the Broncos. Nobody has given up fewer points per game than the Chiefs. The division’s combined point differential is +194. The next best division mark is the NFC West at +102. Peyton Manning and Philip Rivers are #1 and #3 in quarterback rating. Knowshon Moreno, Wes Welker, and Jamaal Charles are all top five in touchdowns scored. Shit, the AFC West is so awesome that even the Raiders have three wins this year, and at 3-5 through their first eight games, they are the best last place team in the NFL…
Biggest Surprise: The Chiefs’ 9-0 start is no doubt spectacular, but it’s not an “Oh my God, you are so awesome that here is my wife’s ass and please hammer away on it” kind of spectacular. The caliber of opponent that Kansas City has taken down does about as much for us as a video of Kathy Bates finger banging herself. Their opponents’ combined record so far this year is 27-49, good for a .355 winning percentage. Now, if they waltz into Denver next Sunday night and take care of business against Manning and company, then I’ll put my wife’s ass on a platter for them…