by Tommy Gimler

Huge numbers today for some of the elite quarterbacks in the NFL. Brees, Rodgers, and Manning all threw for over 300 yards while leading their teams to impressive victories and fulfilling dorks’ fantasies everywhere. Meanwhile, Joe Flacco, who just thinks he’s elite, sucked. In a big game. Again.

Playing to pretty much establish who’s the team to beat in the AFC, Flacco and the Ravens showed the country that it sure as shit wasn’t them. Down 26 at halftime after taking a sack in his own end zone and throwing a pick six, Flacco had plenty of opportunities to throw the ball in the second half, put up some elite numbers, and make things look respectable. He threw the ball, alright. Rather poorly.

I literally watched a girl eat a Clif Bar behind my tent once and then stick her finger down her throat to puke it up, and it was still sexier than Joe Flacco’s stat line today. Check it out:

21 of 43 for 147 yards, 3.4 yards per attempt, 1 meaningless TD, 2 INT, 45.4 QB rating. His longest completion was 15 yards.

Of course, this isn’t breaking news for anybody who has watched Joe Flacco struggle worse than Ashton Kutcher on the big screen on the road this year. Flacco has played three games away from the City of Syphilis, and he hasn’t had a QB rating over 66.8 in any of them (2 TD, 4 INT, 55.9 rating). In fact, Flacco has had a QB rating under 100 in three of his last four games. And his rating of 84.0 this year is good for 20th in the league, meaning Jake Locker, Christian Ponder, Kevin Kolb, and Carson Palmer all have better ratings than him.

And even though there’s a boatload of evidence to support it, here is what the mainstream media doesn’t have the balls to say:

Joe Flacco is a dog shit quarterback whose ineptitude, much like every quarterback to play for the Chicago Bears, has been masked by an outstanding defense.

But with Ray Lewis and Lardarius Webb lost for the season, you’re going to witness the weakest Ravens defense since the 1990′s, meaning the pressure will be greater than ever for Flacco to put this team on his shoulders and lead them to the promised land. The problem is that since his best statistical career in 2010, Flacco has been getting worse, throwing fewer touchdowns and more interceptions last year and on pace to throw even more picks this year.

The sad thing for Ravens fans is that Joe Flacco is going to be around for a while, probably because he’s better than any quarterback they’ve had in the last fifteen years. I will give him that. Joe Flacco is better than Trent Dilfer, Anthony Wright, Chris Redman, Troy Smith, Stoney Case, Elvis Grbac, Jeff Blake, Scott Mitchell, Kyle Boller, Steve McNair (when he was with the Ravens), and Tony Banks. But that makes him about as elite as Shaquille O’Neal, the actor (go to the 3:45 mark):

by Rakesh The Intern

What is wrong with you, my friend? I do this American football betting article for like three Friday now, and you still don’t trust Rakesh, bro? Trust me, bro, and your piles of cash will be higher than a gallon of gas in New York.

Here is what I am thinking for this weekend, my friend:

Akron at Kent State (-20)

Ok, bro. Kent State has covered the spread seven straight times ever since getting the piss beaten out of them by Kentucky in their season opener, much like the way my crazy Uncle Omkar used to beat his wife. While he’s now in an institution, my friend, the Kent State defense continues to run free and terrorize their opponents, bro. They forced like seven turnovers last week against Rutgers, and coincidentally, that is the same number of siblings I have, bro. Western Michigan had six turnovers against them the week before. Kent State loves to run, my friend, like a troubled American-African teen leaving a liquor store. They rank 24th in the nation in rushing while Akron’s defense, if you even want to call it that, bro, ranks 113th against the run. Load and like lock up on this one, bro.

Missouri at Florida (-17)

Bro, I love big teams at home the week after they lose a big game. I really like those teams when they host a team that struggles against quality teams, much like the way my cousin Ashish struggles with arithmetic, my friend. Seriously, bro, the dude doesn’t know how to handle remainders in simple division. On the other wrist, the Florida Gator, bro, knows how to handle run very well, ranking 13th in country, my friend. Missouri passes the ball about as well as my Grandpa Sahir can see. Thick glasses, bro. The Tigers rank 99th throwing the football, and they’re going against the 16th-ranked pass defense, bro. No chance they get back in this bitch, as the kids would say in this country, when they go down early. Seriously, bro. Missouri might not even score.

Buffalo at Houston OVER 47.5

Look, bro. This one is easy money or bling or presidents or whatever the kids in this country are calling it these days, my friend. The Bills defense gives up a league-worst 176.9 yards rushing, bro, and the Texans have this guy named Arian Foster to run through it like the way that Chunk kid ran through door in my favorite movie Goonie. In fact, the entire Buffalo defense gets scored on more than anybody in the league (32.4 ppg), much like how P!nk made her way through the record industry. The Buffalo offense averages about 24 points a game, my friend, and that is also the amount of points they’ve averaged after their bye week over the last five years, including 34 two years ago against Baltimore. If you like points, bro, this is the game for you. If you don’t, then go watch soccer, you little bitch pussy, bro.

Minnesota at Seattle (-4)

So, the Cowboys, Packers, and Patriots all come into Seattle and lose, bro, and we’re supposed to think the Vikings actually have a shot at winning this, my friend? We’re not going to compare quarterbackers, bro, because it would be like comparing a light piece of shit of a dog to a dark one. Who cares, bro? They’re both dog shit. Minnesota’s #5 rushing offense runs into the #7 rushing defense, bro, while Seattle’s #6 rushing offense runs over the #19 rushing defense. Numbers don’t lie, my friend, but they do kill. Just ask my fifth-cousin Halim. He was killed in my hometown of Howrah when a filing cabinet filled with multiplication cards fell out of a window and crushed him. Sad shit, bro.

Last Week: 3-2

This Season: 6-3

by Tommy Gimler

On location all weekend in Houston, there was no way I was getting any action with my wife over 1,500 miles away. It was exactly the opposite for football enthusiasts across the country:

Friday, November 16th

5:00pm - Former Chicago Bears player/coach and current ESPN analyst Mike Ditka suffers a minor stroke while playing cards at a country club. No word yet as to whether it was that he found out Shannon Sharpe is on national TV doing the same thing or if somebody told him that they actually liked the “C’mon Man” segment on Monday nights. Either way, I believe that makes it a baker’s dozen, Bob…

8:00pm - Both 3-8 on the season, only 15,405 show up to watch Florida Atlantic and Florida International duke it out on the football field. Even more surprising than the fact that that many people showed up to watch the game is the fact that this game was actually televised…

Saturday, November 17th

Noon - Northwestern drops Michigan State to 0-7 against the spread at home with a 23-20 win in East Lansing. According to ESPN, all seven of Michigan State’s conference games have been decided by four points or fewer. According to The DUD, it’s because every team in the Big Ten is basically the same piece of dog shit…

12:30pm - Western Carolina, a team that hasn’t won one game in the Southern Conference, has to travel to Tuscaloosa and play Alabama the week after suffering their first loss of the season. That would be the equivalent of me traveling to New York City and trying to plow Beyonce. Jay-Z would slice my balls off with a rusty Swiss Army knife and feed them to my mother. And that’s basically what Alabama did to Western Carolina, to the tune of 49-0…

1:00pm - The Florida Gators lead Division 1-AA Jacksonville State by the score of 10-0 at halftime, and go on to win the game 23-0. Somehow, by the end of the weekend, the BCS system will call them the fourth best team in the country. Hmmm. Maybe the same people and computers behind the BCS are the same people who keep giving Eddie Murphy work…

3:00pm - UCLA refuses to allow the USC drum major and his sword onto the field, and the UCLA defense keeps Matt Barkley and the Trojans out of the end zone until the second quarter. The only thing more surprising than UCLA’s ass beating is how in the hell Lane Kiffin still has a job…

3:30pm - Notre Dame takes down Wake Forest by the score of 38-0. That’s it. They were supposed to do that…

8:00pm - The Baylor Bears don’t score any points in the fourth quarter, but that isn’t a problem when you score 52 points in the other three. They knock off the #1 ranked Kansas State Wildcats by 28 points, the most a BCS #1 ranked team has ever lost by. The town of Manhattan, Kansas is devastated by the defeat, and so is nobody else…

8:05pm - Oregon goes down to Stanford in overtime in a thrilling game, and everyone in the country outside of Eugene is loving it. Well, except this guy, who has teased the over down to 59 points. It was a lock. I swear it…

Sunday, November 18th

1:00pm - The Packers score ten points late in the fourth quarter and defeat the dog shit Detroit Lions in cunt stain known as Detroit. All Packers fans are ecstatic. Well, except this guy, who on a separate ticket teased the over down to 46 points. It was a lock. I swear it. Mason Crosby can eat my ass…

1:00pm - Which coach is more lost and more obese right now, Romeo Crennel or Andy Reid? Both of their teams score less than I did my senior year of high school, and I literally grabbed one tit. At least Andy Reid’s quarterback played the whole game this time. But in Kansas City, after only putting six points on the board in the first half, Crennel benches Matt Cassel in favor of Brady Quinn, who goes on to put zero points up there…

1:00pm - Matt Schaub throws for 527 yards, 273 of them to Andre Johnson, as the Texans take down the Jaguars in overtime. The great thing is that Schaub also threw five touchdowns. The pathetic thing is that the Texans needed every single one of them and needed overtime to beat the Jaguars…

4:15pm - Peyton Manning throws for three touchdowns but none of them are as big as Philip Rivers’ TD pass with under two minutes left in the game. Did the Broncos win the game 30-23? Sure. But did Phyllis and the Chargers cover? You fucking know it…

4:25pm - The Patriots put up 59 points against the Indianapolis Colts but lose tight end Rob Gronkowski for the next four to six weeks with a broken forearm. Is anybody else thinking what I’m thinking? More time for porn star pics, Gronk…

8:30pm - The Ravens defeat the Roethlisberger-less Steelers by the score of 13-10, but the most telling stat is this:

Byron Leftwich: 201 passing yards, 1 rushing TD

Joe Flacco: 164 passing yards

We’ve said it before, and I know we’ll say it again. You, Mr. Flacco, are not an elite quarterback. If you are, then I have a nine-inch Armenian hog hiding in my Levi’s…

by Tommy Gimler

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! Look at this illusion closely. Is it the gayest moment in the history of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade? Or is it really a picture of Kenny Chesney?

Stuck in the shithole American’s refer to as “Houston” on one of my favorite holidays, I’ve surprisingly enjoyed a day of watching NFL football by myself and scarfing down this Applebee’s sirloin. Well, at least it’s supposed to be a sirloin. Anyway, here are a few takeaways from today’s action.

I am actually thankful for Ndamukong Suh.

Every time I look in the mirror and think I might be an asshole, Ndamukong Suh just happens to be on national television to prove me wrong. Seriously, is there a bigger prick in the game today? After stomping a Green Bay Packers’ offensive lineman last year on Thanksgiving, Suh was up to his same old asshole-ish routine again today against the Houston Texans.

Midway through the first quarter, Suh literally kicked Texans quarterback Matt Schaub in his flouch. Click on the link below to watch the play for yourself and draw your own conclusion, but it’s pretty obvious that Suh extends or kind of jabs his foot into an area usually reserved for Mrs. Schaub (who is smoking hot, by the way):

http://www.nfl.com/videos/auto/0ap2000000098883/Matt-Schaub-gets-hit-in-the-groin

Almost just as bad, CBS commentator/turd Phil Simms got three or four looks at it and determined that it wasn’t intentional.

Given his history, hopefully the NFL will come down with some kind of penalty against this asshole. And we’ll also see what they decide to do with Suh…

Kenny Chesney is gay.

Chesney’s halftime show at Cowboys Stadium was pretty much the cherry on top of the sundae in regards to this matter. How can you perform on stage with the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders and not get an erection or at the very least call any of them over to dance on you. Instead, the only female that Chesney brings up on stage to dance looked like she was 12.

Type “Robert Downey Jr”  into your Google box. You’ll find “Robert Downey Jr Movies” third from the top, and that’s because Robert Downey Jr. is in a lot of movies. Now type “Justin Timberlake.” You’ll find “Justin Timberlake Songs” third from the top, and that’s because Justin Timberlake sings a lot of songs. Now type “Kenny Chesney.” You’ll find “Kenny Chesney Gay” third from the top, and that’s because Kenny Chesney is gay.

Look, we’ve been through this before with Ricky Martin and Anderson Cooper, and they both issued denial after denial before finally admitting that they were almost as gay as the Minnesota Vikings. In Martin’s case, his PR agencies even threatened legal action to any members of the media who referred to their client as anything but heterosexual until their client finally came out of the closet in 2010.

If you’re gay, there is nothing wrong with that. But to vehemently deny that you are when the only proof of being heterosexual is a sham marriage of four months to Renee Zellweger, a woman so brutally ugly that if given the choice of sleeping with her or Chesney, I would choose choose her but just barely, now that’s wrong.

Robert Griffin III can plow my sister.

Well, whichever one isn’t hopefully being ravaged by Mike Trout.

With just under ten minutes left in the game, here are RG3′s numbers:

17/23 for 272 yards, 4 TD, 0 INT, 152.5 rating

All of the comparisons to Cam Newton need to stop immediately. This kid truly is something special, and the fact that he is a rookie is mind-bottling. You know, what happens when your thoughts get all trapped up like in a bottle.

Just looking at his stat line from tonight’s game doesn’t do him any justice. Check out some of these throws by clicking the links below:

http://www.nfl.com/videos/auto/0ap2000000099173/RG3-to-Robinson-68-yard-TD

http://www.nfl.com/videos/auto/0ap2000000099195/WK-12-Can-t-Miss-Play-Master-Moss

And just as I’m about to make this post, RG3 throws a bad pick. But the offer still stands. Happy Thanksgiving…

by Tommy Gimler

According to the “experts” at Yahoo! Sports and ESPN, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler is a candidate for the NFL’s MVP Award this year. Seriously, they said that.

And in saying so, they have created the most disturbing story since this:

After his Bears defeated the Minnesota Vikings 28-10 on Sunday, even though he threw for 188 yards, one touchdown, and one interception, the “my coach molested me” hot story of the week seems to be bestowing Cutler with the league’s highest honor. In one of our easiest posts ever, we break down why he isn’t even in the top ten.

The DUD Breakdown

Yahoo! Sports: We all saw what the Bears looked like without Cutler.

The DUD’s Take: Great point. Jason Campbell is a pathetic excuse for a quarterback. But does that mean Jay Cutler should be the MVP because Chicago’s front office can’t find an adequate arm to back him up? If that’s the reasoning these “experts” are going to use, then we might as well crown Matt Schaub the league’s MVP because we all saw what the Texans were without him last year. Or look how bad the Steelers are without Ben Rapethlisberger. Shouldn’t he get the trophy as well after what we’ve seen from Chuck Batch and Byron Leftwich? Really, it’s just an awful argument, one that’s almost as bad as this:

Yahoo! Sports: Cutler didn’t even throw for 200 yards Sunday, but anyone who watched the game realizes how impressive those yards were.

The DUD’s Take: 188 passing yards against the Vikings? Or how about the next paragraph that stroked Cutler’s shaft for leading the Bears in a comeback win against, wait for it, the 3-8 Carolina Panthers. Let’s start with the 188 yards against the Vikings. Blaine Gabbert threw for 260 yards and 2 TD’s against the Vikings. Andrew Luck: 224 and 2, Matthew Stafford: 319 and 0 TD’s, etc. The list goes on. In fact, Jay Cutler had the worst game, statistically, that any quarterback has had against the Minnesota Vikings this year. And regarding the Panthers game, isn’t the bigger story how the Bears and Cutler were actually trailing 19-7 at home in this game in the first place? Funny how Yahoo! also fails to mention Cutler’s final stat line from that game: 186 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT…

ESPN’s Tony Kornheiser: I would find a place for him (Cutler) on the ballot. Last year, I thought Peyton Manning was the most valuable player in the league.

The DUD’s Take: Tony Kornheiser thought a quarterback that didn’t play one snap in the NFL last season was the league’s MVP. Now he’s making the argument that Jay Cutler should be considered for the league’s MVP this year? That pretty much sums up how logical voting for Jay Cutler as the MVP would be…

The DUD’s Conclusion

Jay Cutler is not the league’s MVP. In fact, he’s not even the MVP of the NFC North. In the division alone, would you vote for him over the league’s leading rusher Adrian Peterson? Would you say he’s better than Aaron Rodgers and his league-leading 105.6 quarterback rating? Absolutely not.

There’s no denying that the Chicago Bears are a much better team with Jay Cutler taking snaps, 31-19 with him as opposed to 2-6 without him. But your team being about as relevant as a new Cyndi Lauper album when you’re not under center doesn’t make you the most valuable player in the NFL. Given the piles of dog shit that back him up on the roster, you could say that he is the most valuable player to the Chicago Bears team, but not to the entire league.

Determining the most valuable player is pretty simple, really. Gilbert Grape simple. The NFL MVP is the best player at his position on a team that wins a ton of games.

Last year, Aaron Rodgers was the best quarterback on a Packers team that won 15 games. In 2010, Tom Brady threw 36 touchdowns and only 4 interceptions (league-best 111.0 QB rating) for a Patriots team that won 14 games. Peyton Manning won the award in 2009 for a Colts team that finished the season with 14 wins, a season in which he and many of the Colts’ starters missed two halves of action over the final two games because the Colts had wrapped up the AFC. Manning would still finish the season with 33 TD’s and a 99.9 QB rating.

Jay Cutler’s 2012 numbers, however, not only suggest that he shouldn’t be mentioned as an MVP candidate, but also that he’s actually one of the worst quarterbacks in the NFL:

81.1 QB rating – 25th among quarterbacks

13 touchdowns – 20th among QB’s

60.8 completion percentage – 17th among QB’s

2,002 yards – 27th among QB’s

7.00 yards per attempt – 23rd among QB’s

11 interceptions – 9th most among QB’s

But for some reason, media outlets like Yahoo! Sports and ESPN have sadly lost their legitimacy as they try to find new, creative, and trendy ways like WAR (Wins Above Replacement) or a player’s third-down conversion rate against the Minnesota Vikings to determine the winner of the NFL’s most important individual honor. In fact, they seem to be using every single equation or method except for the truth, and the truth of the matter is this:

The NFL MVP has yet to be determined, but when it is, it will not be Jay Cutler…

by Rakesh The Intern

Check it out, bro. We were taking beating last week like the ones Uncle Omkar used to dish out to wife back in Howrah. Now he spend next few years behind bars, but not us, my friend. It’s like Christmas come early last Sunday night, which is ironic since it never come at all back in India or Toledo, for that matter, bro. Thanks to Packers/Lions game, we are still alive to make some serious coin or bling or whatever you call it in this country, my friend.

Here is what I am thinking for this weekend, bro:

Nevada vs. Arizona OVER 76.0 Points

Listen, bro. I do not get fascination in this country with these college football bowls, my friend. Dis one is called the Gildan New Mexico Bowl, bro. Gildan makes activewear, but have you been to New Mexico, bro? Fat shits everywhere, my friend. The only thing they are actively doing is eating in excess, bro. At same time, neither Nevada nor Arizona have defense capable of stopping each other’s offense, so if you’re looking for excess in scoring, bro, then this is your game. Each team average over 37 point per game, and they each give up over 30 per game, bro. That translates into over 100 points being scored in this one, my friend. Load and lock up, bro…

Toledo vs. Utah State (-10.5) and UNDER 58.5 Points

Check it out, bro. I went to Toledo, and if you are going to school there, then money is obviously issue for you, my friend. If you are asking student to scrape together cash to go to bowl game, the only way they are going to do that is if the game is somewhere warmer than Toledo, bro. I had never heard of this “Idaho” where the game is being played, but when I saw it on map, I laugh like this fat, jolly Santa Claus I see on TV. Nobody from Toledo is going to this game, bro. Not too far to travel for Utah State and their fans, either. Utah State is much better team on paper and on field, bro. Their defense only give up 15.4 point per game, bro. Every time Toledo face good defense, they struggle worse than fat kid on stairs, bro. And against team like Arizona, they only score 17. That’s weak shit, my friend…

Indianapolis Colts at Houston Texans (-8.5)

Look, bro. Houston looked worse Monday night than my fourth cousin Palash when he was trampled to death by group of runaway elephants back in Howrah. But they will bounce back big this week just like they did when they were curb stomped by Green Bay one week and then they beat down Baltimore by 30 the next week, bro. And other than Green Bay, bro, who has Indianapolis beat that isn’t Special Olympic team? Nobody, my friend. Statement game for Houston, bro…

Minnesota Vikings at St. Louis Rams (-2.5)

Check it out, bro. St. Louis defense has forced seven turnovers the last three games, and now Christian Ponder comes to town? Load and lock up, my friend. On the road this year, Ponder has thrown six interceptions and has QB rating of 71.6. That’s 14 points lower than at home, bro. Jeff Fisher is smart coach for Rams. He knows that only way to win is to stop Adrian Peterson. I’ll take him and the team that is 4-3 at home over Vikings and their 1-5 road record, bro…

New York Giants at Atlanta Falcons (-1.5)

Look, bro. You might be able to wait on this and get Atlanta at an even better number. Only thing silly American gamblers remember is how Giants beat down Packers and Saints worse than my cousin Gokul back in Howrah. Gokul has baby left arm, and his right eye is half shut, bro. Much like American school system, Gokul is not very accepted in Howrah schools, so he gets beating like three times a week. Sad shit, bro. But Giants have been shit from pig on road lately, and have trouble finishing drive with touchdown. Ahmad Bradshaw has another injury in knee, and he might not play, my friend. Meanwhile, Atlanta hasn’t lost at home all year, and they are coming off bad loss at Carolina. If you’re looking for my confidence level on this one, bro, let’s just say I’m as confident as I was when I took home model last week in Venice Beach, bro. Sure, she was hammered and thought I was her cab driver, but I plow her, bro…

Last Week: 2-4

This Season: 23-16-1

by Rakesh The Intern

Are you surprised you’re still alive today, bro? Can’t believe you fell for that Mayan calendar end of the world shit from pig, bro. See, in my country, we don’t trust civilization who couldn’t predict drought few years later or Spanish man wanting to trade had small pox much less what would happen 1,300 years later, bro.

Anyway, buddy. Crazy shit about that Olympic runner who now sell her body in Las Vegas, hey bro? Since I do this internship at The DUD for free, I can’t even afford five minutes with her, boss, and that’s too bad because back in Howrah, if you show proof of intercourse or whatever you call it in this country with Olympian, they automatically make you mayor, bro.

But if you have been trusting Rakesh with bet on American football this year, then you should have enough money for entire day with her, maybe a little massage with ending of happiness, and then enough left over to supply my family in Howrah with enough curry for entire year, boss.

Let’s keep on roll this weekend or whatever you call it, my friend. Here is what I am thinking for this weekend, bro:

Ball State at UCF (-7) and OVER 59.5 Points

Look, bro. This is Beef O’ Brady’s Bowl, which is irony because it is good establishment with good food, bro, yet they sponsor such a matchup of teams that are shit from pig.

This game is being played at Tropicana Field in St. Petersburg, so this is basically home game for Central Florida, bro. Disgusting part about this game, my friend, is that these are two teams that my boss Tommy Gimler refer to as “two teams that nobody gives a flying fuck about,” yet they will still probably put more people in seats than Tampa Bay Rays game, buddy.

Ball State has cover or tie in six straight games, so boys in Vegas will make sure that does not happen again. It’s just too easy to ride one team like that, almost as easy as my cousin Kirti. Huge slut, bro. She have like six kids already, my friend, and I think she’s just shy of 23rd birthday, bro. Both of these teams like to score point, bro, and game is indoors. Load and lock up on the over here as well, buddy…

East Carolina at UL-Lafayette (-5) and OVER 65.5 Points

Check it out, boss. The last time East Carolina score under 28 points was October 4th. I had not even started internship here yet, bro, and my Uncle Omkar had not yet been convicted of fixing cricket matches. UL-Lafayette has put up 35, 52, and 31 point in their last three games, all against teams that are shit from pig, and that is what East Carolina is, buddy. Plus, Lafayette put up 20 point against Florida, one of the best defenses in all of college football. I’ll take that team that goes into Florida and almost walks away with victory over team that loses by 28 and gives up 56 point to Navy. Hahaha. Navy, bro…

Washington at Boise State (-5.5) and UNDER 44.5 Points

Look, bro. Absolutely nothing out there to suggest that Washington should be in this game, my friend. Boise State runs ball very well, and Huskies can’t stop it. Boise State defense is the ninth best in all of football, and Washington was only able to put up 14 point against USC and 17 against Arizona defense. Weak shit, bro. If you’re looking for confidence level on this one, boss, like I say last week, let’s just say I’m as confident as I was when I took home model two weeks ago in Venice Beach, bro. Sure, she was hammered and thought I was her cab driver, but I plow her, bro…

Atlanta Falcons at Detroit Lions (+4.5)

I’ll tell you what, bro. The Detroit Lions lack discipline, much like a Wisconsin family at a dessert buffet, my friend. But this team of felons always seem to rise to occasion in prime time games that are nationally televised, bro. Supposedly, my Grandpa Sahir was same way when he was player in Howrah Cricket league in 1950′s, bro. The Lions haven’t covered the spread since November 4th, so they are overdue, just like my cousin Baldev, boss. He has not gotten head or sucking of penis or whatever you call it in this country since 2008. Now that is some real sad shit, bro. Atlanta is also different team on road, bro, and haven’t covered on road in last three tries, boss…

Tennessee Titans at Green Bay Packers (-12.5)

Jesus Christ of Nazareth, bro. Did you see how brutal the Titans look on Monday night against Jets, boss? It was almost as disgusting as my cousin Gokul’s baby left hand and lazy right eye back in Howrah. Sad shit, bro. The Packers are better than Jets in every phase of game, and will not turn ball over five times. Green Bay still has something to play for, bro. Tennessee hasn’t had anything to play for since 2009. Before that shit from pig game Monday night, Tennessee was 1-5 against the spread in their last six games. Easy money here, bro, unless bag of douche Mason Crosby misses six field goals…

Minnesota Vikings at Houston Texans (-7.5)

Check it out, bro. We lose last two weeks with bet against Vikings. No way it happen third time, my friend. Houston owns fifth best run defense, and they could have their mothers play pass defense, bro, and Christian Ponder would still throw for under 100 yards. This could be easiest bet of year, buddy. If Mayan god was standing in front of me with stick on fire right around my taint area, bro, and he say, “Pick one game to bet on, bro, and if you get it right, the world will not end,” then this is the game I choose, boss…

Last Week: 5-1

This Season: 28-17-1

by Rakesh The Intern

Check it out, bro. I keep listening to my boss and his friends talking about how hard it is to lay some action on these American football games this weekend, bro. They cry like my cousin Palash when he was stepped on by elephant at market because they say that teams are so evenly matched, my friend. Well, boss, I say that these games are easier than my cousin Miti, bro. Huge slut, bro. Like 12 kids and she’s only 26.

Here is what I am thinking for this weekend, bro:

Texas A&M at Oklahoma OVER 72.5 Points

Listen, bro. Scoring 73 points isn’t an easy thing to do. But when Texas A&M has third-best offense in football and Oklahoma has 11th-best offense, then scoring that many points is like putting candy in baby’s hand, then punching it in the face to get it back or whatever you call it in this country, bro. More importantly, Texas A&M converts 3rd downs better than any team in country, Oklahoma is like fifth-best, buddy. Both teams average over 40 points per game, are in top twenty in offensive red zone percentage, and both defenses give up over 378 yards per game, bro. Load and lock up on this one, bro…

Pittsburgh at Mississippi (-3.5) and UNDER 54 Points

Check it out, bro. We have seen in this crazy American fascination with college football bowls that it often comes down to who wants to be there, bro. This is Pittsburgh’s third straight year playing in this shit from pig BBVA Compass Bowl. Apparently it used to be called the Papa John’s Bowl, bro, but they must have figured out that Papa John’s pizza was too awesome to be associated with shit bowl game. The game this year, though, has already sold more than 54,000 tickets, and the majority have been sold to Mississippi fans, boss. It will basically be home game for Ole Miss, bro. Pittsburgh hasn’t scored over 27 point since October, bro, but their defense has given up average of just 11 points over last three games. With NFL action later that day, if you bet on this one, you probably have problem, bro, just like my Uncle Omkar. Couldn’t keep money off of meaningless shit from pig Pakistan cricket games, even when the India’s championship was going on, bro…

Arkansas State (-3.5) at Kent State

Listen, bro. The Godaddy.com Bowl is shit game, bro, almost as shitty as Godaddy.com commercials. Everybody and their mommy are loading up on Kent State in this one, my friend. The line has already moved 1.5 points in favor of Kent State, bro, and we have established many times not to trust silly American betting public. Both teams run the ball very well, and are equally average at stopping it, buddy. Difference in this game will be that Arkansas State can pass the ball (263 YPG) while Kent State has trouble both throwing it (163 YPG) and defending the pass (277 YPG), bro. Plus, Kent State coach bolted from school and left players hanging during dream season, bro. When you light Cuban cigar in front of friends to celebrate that you were the only one who picked this game, bro, make sure to thank Rakesh with shout out on the Twitter or by sending naked pictures of your sister, my friend…

Alabama at Notre Dame (+10) and OVER 40.5 Points

Check it out, bro. Every now and then, one of those games comes along that you like for absolutely no good reason, and this is that game, my friend. The under has hit in 10 of the last 11 games that Notre Dame has played in, and the one over that hit was a triple overtime game, bro. The under has also hit in 7 of Alabama’s last 11 games, bro. On paper, Alabama is better at almost everything. But this game remind me of when I played badminton against my cousin Gokul at my Aunt Tanvi’s hut-warming party back in Howrah last spring. Gokul has lazy eye and baby left hand, and I am physically 100% in all categories, but still Gokul take me down. I play well, too. Just for no reason, Gokul won game, bro. And that is also why I say Notre Dame +10 and over 40.5 points. No good reason, just hunch, bro…

Cincinnati Bengals at Houston Texans (-4.5)

Look, bro. The Houston Texans have stunk up the joint lately worse than an average Indian household back in Howrah, bro. Real stinky shit back home, bro. I think it’s because wearing deodorant in Howrah is like misdemeanor or some shit, my friend. And if you eat too much curry, bro, you better make sure you are not on first date at Batman movie. Serious side effects in regards to odor, bro. Anyway, Texans will play inspired football Sunday at home. Remember that in last two games on road, boss, Cincinnati has given up 12 sacks and turned the ball over five times. Andy Dalton’s QB rating on the road is 7.3 points lower than at home, while Matt Schaub’s rating at home is 101.7. This one is too easy, bro…

Minnesota Vikings at Green Bay Packers (-7.5) and UNDER 46.5 Points

Listen, bro. We have gone against Vikings last four week now, and we have been crushed like cake in front of fat kid every time, bro. Well, there is no way that this happens fifth time in row, my friend. Did you see all that had to happen last week against Packers just to win game, bro? Christian Ponder was falling backward and like completing tipped passes, my friend. The real Christian Ponder will show up just like he did in Green Bay in Week 13 and throw two completions to Packers defenders, bro, one of which will be Charles Woodson for first time since Week 7. Packers are different defense with Chuck on field, just like I am different man in dark bedroom when girl can’t see my big bush of pubic hair, bro. Great success when it’s dark. Also, Packers score over 30 point only two times at home this year, bro, so that is why I like the under here, my friend…

Indianapolis Colts at Baltimore Ravens (-7)

Check it out, bro. My mother Rupali used to tell me not to go outside in downtown Howrah, but that was because of air pollution and the streets were filled with elephant shit, bro. Andrew Luck should not play outside either, my friend, and not just because the city of Baltimore has syphilis epidemic. In six games outdoors this year, Luck has thrown 10 interceptions. On the road, his QB rating is barely over 70 along with 13 interceptions, boss. Meanwhile, even though we think Joe Flacco is a shit from pig quarterback, he has actually performed well at home this year (15 TD’s, 5 INT, 99.0 QB Rating). Even though the Colts have won 5 of their last 6 and Baltimore has lost 4 of their last 5, the fact that this game is on the road and outdoors is what does in Andrew Luck and the Colts in this blowout loss, bro. Plus, Baltimore fans will like nothing more than to see Colts owner Jim Irsay leave town with humiliation loss, my friend…

Last Week: 5-3

This Season: 37-25-1

by Rakesh The Intern

Check it out, bro. I hit on 70% of my American football picks last week, and you didn’t even have to pay me to get those picks, boss. Why give AccuScore your money for wrong picks when you can save your rupees and get correct picks for free from Rakesh, bro? I got to be honest though, bro. The guy’s personal hygiene next to me on this plane is throwing me off a little bit, my friend. It smell like my family reunion in this bitch or whatever you call it in this country, bro.

Anyway, my friend. Here is what I am thinking for this weekend, bro:

Baltimore Ravens (+10) at Denver Broncos and UNDER 46.5

Listen, bro. We cannot sit back with cigar and collect by taking all favorites and unders this week, my friend. But both teams’ defenses in this are playing with purpose right now, bro. Denver defense has given up average of less than 13 point per game over their last six games, my friend. Granted, boss, two of those games we against Chiefs, and that’s like me telling you I beat my cousin Gokul at golf. Dude has baby left arm, bro. Sad shit, bro. And since loss to Broncos, Baltimore defense has given up average 15.3 points per game. I think Denver win this game at home, bro. Only home loss was way back in September to a Houston team that was not shit from pig like they are now, my friend. But Peyton Manning is 0-3 in playoff games when temperature is under 40 degrees. He has like one touchdown and seven interception in those games, bro, and it’s supposed to be 20 degrees around kickoff. But all three of those games were on road, my friend. I think Manning plays just well enough to win at home, but Ravens make it close because Manning is old man playing in cold, bro…

Green Bay Packers (+3) at San Francisco 49ers and OVER 45.0 Points

Check it out, bro. The Green Bay Packers defense is a different unit with Charles Woodson out there, my friend. Kind of like my Aunt Tanvi now that her ex-husband Uncle Omkar is behind bars. Now she walk in public without bruises, bro. Look, bro. If Adrian Peterson couldn’t run for 100 yards against them last week, you think that old man Frank Gore is going to? Come on, buddy. Get serious, bro. Aaron Rodgers has won last three road playoff games, and he now goes into stadium of team that didn’t want him eight or nine year ago, my friend. Meanwhile, Justin Smith might not play up the middle for 49ers because of torn tricep that came off of his arm bone, bro. That’s sounds almost as painful as when my cousin Manish fell off of an elephant in Howrah and broke his neck. Could mean big things for Packers run game, boss. Everything lining up for Packers right now, bro…

Seattle Seahawks at Atlanta Falcons (-2.5) and OVER 46.0 Points

Listen, bro. I love the Seahawks this year. Quarterback Russell Wilson looks just like my cousin Baldev, and he has played spectacular, like big fake American breasts spectacular, bro. But he and the Seahawks have lost all three games they have played on the road indoors, and he has thrown five interceptions in those games, boss. While their cornerbacks will provide tough matchup for the Falcons receivers, losing their best pass rusher in Chris Clemons will allow them more time to get separation, bro. Plus, nobody is talking about Falcons right now, bro. Nobody, my friend. Last two years, that’s all you hear about is how Matty Ice is going to lead the Falcons to Super Bowl, and then they go out and give us dick sandwich, bro. But this year, everybody is saying that about Seahawks, and I’ll be sitting with my Swisher Sweet and Keystone Light waiting to say I told you so, bro…

Houston Texans (+9.5) at New England Patriots and OVER 47.5 Points

Listen, bro. This fucking guy next to me stinks so bad, bro. It is worse than my ex-girlfriend Ishika’s poon, bro. She would like run two miles and then not shower because she thought it was waste of water since she was going to do it again in morning. And then she wonder why I never eat box on her, bro. It’s suicide going down on chick like that, bro. Anyway, I would have thought Patriots would win by like thirty points in this one, bro, until the Boston Globe posted this, my friend:

The 2012-13 New England Patriots just became the first team in NFL history to get back-to-back byes before advancing to the conference championship game. Could this get any easier? I mean, seriously? The planets are aligned and the tomato cans are in place. The fraudulent Houston Texans are the only team standing between the New England Patriots and a trip to the AFC Championship game. All the Patriots have to do is beat the terrible Texans. One week from today. At Gillette Stadium. Pass Go and collect $200. The Patriots are in the AFC title game.

I’ll tell you what, bro. I think that fires up Texans, and they make it close. But again, this guy next to me stinks like a turd wrapped in garlic, bro, so I might be off this week. Good luck, my friend…

Last Week: 7-3

This Season: 44-28-1

by Tommy Gimler

In what is becoming almost as big of a trend in the NFL as driving while intoxicated, slightly above-average quarterbacks are telling the football world that they are much better than that, even going as far as calling themselves elite, and then proving they actually are with a Super Bowl victory. Last year it was Eli Manning. This year, Joe Flacco. So, who’s next? Here’s a hint: Since we’re talking about slightly above-average quarterbacks, it’s not Mark Sanchez because he is just terrible.

Just how elite was Joe Flacco this postseason?

No quarterback in the last 11 postseasons has put up the numbers he did this year. 11 touchdowns, zero interceptions, 1,140 yards and a 117.2 rating. Better than both Eli Manning’s impressive run last year (9 TD, 1 INT, 1,219 yds, 103.3 rating) and Aaron Rodgers’ triumph two years ago (9 TD, 2 INT, 1,094 yds, 109.8 rating). And what makes Flacco’s performance even more ridiculous is the caliber of the defensive units he lit up. Denver and San Francisco ranked third and fourth against the pass during the regular season, and New England ranked ninth in regards to fewest points allowed.

While it’s highly unlikely, like my wife allowing me to plow her sister unlikely, that any of the guys on this list will put up numbers as impressive as Flacco’s 2012-13 postseason totals, here’s who we think could be the next “not super shitty but not top of the heap either” quarterback to make the preposterous claim that he’s elite, then play the entire regular season very “averagely” while we mock him, but then throw it in our ass with a spectacular postseason culminating in a Super Bowl victory:

Matt Ryan – Atlanta Falcons

Matt Ryan might have the one of worst nicknames in the NFL, but he is on the cusp of becoming one of the best quarterbacks in the game. Matty Ice. That’s almost as bad as Goldie Hawn without makeup:

Jesus. She looks like fucking Yoda on the left.

Seriously, “Matty Ice” doesn’t make any sense, so we took a closer look at where this nickname came from. According to Wikipedia, it comes from a website he started while attending Boston College (MattyIce.com). When an athlete gives himself a nickname, it’s a given that he thinks he’s elite, and it’s only a matter of time before he tells the media as much. And like Flacco this past year, Ryan will be playing through a contract year this fall, meaning that questions about where he ranks among the NFL’s elite and how he feels he should be paid in comparison will no doubt be spewing from reporters’ mouths the minute training camp begins. And while Ryan’s regular season numbers suggest that he is nearing the status of an elite quarterback, his lack of postseason success would suggest otherwise. But of all the guys on this list, given where the Falcons are as a franchise and Matt Ryan is in his career, he has to be considered the odds-on-favorite, I’d say 2-to-1, to become the next Joe Flacco.

Tony Romo – Dallas Cowboys

Believe it or not, between some of those multiple-turnover games, Tony Romo has shown flashes of brilliance. Unfortunately for him and Cowboys fans, as long as owner/GM/turd Jerry Jones is at the helm in Dallas, the Cowboys odds of competing for the Lombardi Trophy are pretty slim. Taylor Swift might be labeled “talent” before the Cowboys are crowned NFL champions. Romo’s offensive line is non-existent, his receivers can’t run correct routes, and his coach is a fucking idiot. But the Cowboys play in the NFC East, and they always seem to hang around until the final game of the year before being eliminated. And like Matt Ryan, Romo is in a contract year, and the questions about how he feels he ranks among the game’s best will certainly be thrown his way. So, the conditions are perfect in Big D for Tony Romo to say that he is an elite quarterback, and maybe for the Cowboys to get lucky as all hell, and I mean luckier than whoever is nailing Mila Kunis these days. Huh, speaking of lack of talent, I think it’s Ashton Kutcher. I don’t know. The only thing that matters is it isn’t me. Anyway, if that happened, Tony Romo would become the next Joe Flacco.

Matt Schaub – Houston Texans

Unlike the previous two guys, Matt Schaub isn’t in a contract year. But that doesn’t mean questions won’t or don’t already exist about whether or not he can play at an elite level. If head coach Gary Kubiak had to answer questions about his quarterback less than a day after the Texans lost to the Patriots this year, you can bet your ass that more questions are going to follow when training camp gets underway. The Texans already have 14/1 odds to win next year’s big game, sixth best for any team, so the possibility of getting to the Super Bowl isn’t a stretch. But as the last few sentences prove, any story involving Matt Schaub and the Houston Texans is about as sexy as Goldie Hawn without her makeup:

God damn…

by Tommy Gimler

The AFC South is going to be about as intense as watching your grandpa trying to put on a sweater. Nonetheless, we shall review it anyway…

1. Houston Texans

The Texans are the best team in the AFC South on both sides of the ball. Their 2013 schedule features games against Seattle, New England, and Denver at home as well as road bouts at Baltimore and San Francisco. Other than that, it’s going to be just like a bully beating down a fucking retard after an elementary school lunch.

Matt Schaub has thrown for at least 4,000 yards in three of the last four seasons, and that’s remarkable given the overwhelming emphasis on the running game and the lack of a compliment to Andre Johnson.

On the other side of the ball, J.J. Watt might be from Pewaukee, WI, but the dude plays like he’s from the north side of Milwaukee. He anchors a defense that will make Blaine Gabbert and Jake Locker look like, well, Blaine Gabbert and Jake Locker twice this year…

Key Addition: Ed Reed might look like he’s sixty, but unlike the rest of the Texans roster, he’s got a fucking ring and commands respect both on the field and in a locker room. If he stays healthy all year, he might be the guy who helps put the city of Houston on the map for something other than obesity…

2012 record: 12-4 (1st)

2013 predictions

Vegas: 10.5 wins (1st) – OVER (+110) / UNDER (-140)

The DUD: 11-5 (1st)

Pete Prisco (CBS Sports): 10-6 (1st)

Bleacher Report: 11-5 (1st)

Will Brinson (CBS Sports): OVER 10.5 wins (1st)

2. Indianapolis Colts

The 2012 Indianapolis Colts were easily the best story in football last year. I mean, how can you top a rookie redneck smart kid leading his team to 11 victories, a team that won just two games the season before and whose coach missed most of the regular season because of cancer treatments?

The short answer is…you can’t. But the fact that this team plays in the AFC South means the Colts just might have another shot at the postseason, especially if Ahmad Bradshaw stops breaking his feet every time he walks to the John…

Key Addition: The good news for Colts fans is that their team may have found their compliment to Reggie Wayne when they brought former top-ten overall draft pick Darrius Heyward-Bey into camp this year. The bad news? The Oakland Raiders were the team who first considered him to be a talent…

2012 record: 11-5 (2nd)

2013 predictions

Vegas: 8.5 wins (2nd) – OVER (even) / UNDER (-130)

The DUD: 9-7 (2nd)

Pete Prisco (CBS Sports): 7-9 (t-2nd)

Bleacher Report: 9-7 (2nd)

Will Brinson (CBS Sports): UNDER 8.5 wins (2nd)

3. Tennessee Titans

If you’re looking for the most creative bet of the upcoming NFL season, why not give this one a try:

What will be the higher total at the end of the 2013 season, Titans victories or Kenny Britt arrests?

Chris Johnson is awesome, but when your quarterback is Jake Locker and his receiving “threats” are guys like Britt and Nate Washington, you’re going to attract more attention than a fake-tittied girl in church…

Key Addition: Chance Warmack, maybe? The Titans offensive line was more banged up than a porn star’s hump hole a year ago, so Tennessee added Warmack in the draft and two more guys through free agency. That should help Locker suck less…

2012 record: 6-10 (3rd)

2013 predictions

Vegas: 6.5 wins (2nd) – OVER (even) / UNDER (-130)

The DUD: 6-10 (3rd)

Pete Prisco (CBS Sports): 7-9 (t-2nd)

Bleacher Report: 5-11 (3rd)

Will Brinson (CBS Sports): UNDER 6.5 wins (3rd)

4. Jacksonville Jaguars

We can’t come up with anything to describe just how pig shit awful the 2013 Jacksonville Jaguars are going to be. Maybe huffing Lil Wayne’s jenkem would be almost as miserable. But hey, it could be a lot worse. They could be the Raiders…

2012 record: 2-14 (4th)

2013 predictions

Vegas: 5-11 (4th) – OVER (-130) / UNDER (even)

The DUD: 3-13 (4th)

Pete Prisco (CBS Sports): 3-13 (4th)

Bleacher Report: 3-13 (4th)

Will Brinson (CBS Sports): UNDER 5 wins (4th)

by Tommy Gimler

Even Stevie Wonder saw this one coming. I mean, maybe Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco, cashing checks to the tune of $30 million this year, isn’t a top-three NFL quarterback, as he threw five interceptions today against the…wait for it…Buffalo Bills.

Worst Quarterback – Joe Flacco

Flacco did throw for over 300 yards as well, but who gives a shit? The five interceptions kind of did the Ravens in today. Giving him any kind of applause for hitting the 300-yard mark would be like congratulating your neighbor for hooking up with a broad when in fact he raped her…

Worst Team – Jacksonville Jaguars

Speaking of dog shit quarterbacks, whose bright idea was it to let Blaine Gabbert get back on the field? Gabbert completed just 17 passes, well, 20 if you count the three he threw into the arms of the Indianapolis defenders. Here is how the 12 Jaguars drives finished: interception, field goal (hey now!), punt, interception, punt, punt, punt, punt, punt, downs, interception, end of game. Unless you’re Brian Portz, then you know that line of garbage produced just three points…

Worst Beat – Seattle 23, Houston 20

Going into Sunday’s game against the undefeated Seahawks, the Texans had yet to cover a spread in 2013. And after Sunday’s overtime loss to Seattle, they still haven’t. As a one-point dog and leading by 14 points to start the fourth quarter, if you took the Texans, you had to be this close to lighting up a dog turd and shoving a pinky into your wife’s sister’s brown eye. But that, my friends, just like most of my orgasms these days, would have been premature. The Texans defense couldn’t stop a Russell Wilson scramble on 4th and 3, and Matt Schaub threw the worst interception of his career that Richard Sherman would take all the way to the house, and the only asshole you pinky found it’s way into was your own. Again…

Worst Fantasy Kicker

Attention dorks. I would usually file this one under the “I could give two flying fucks” category, but this pretty much sums up how the first four weeks of the 2013 NFL season have gone for the New York Giants. Kicker Josh Brown finished the Giants’ 31-7 ass pounding Sunday with one extra point and a missed field goal on his only attempt, good for somewhere between zero to negative two points in most standard fantasy leagues. Brown and the Giants are fucking brutal, and if you still have this clown on your roster, then you are one pathetic loser…

Worst Region Of Football

Jesus fuck. If you don’t have the NFL Sunday Ticket on DirecTV in Northern Florida, it’s time to pony up. With the Jags and Bucs a combined 0-8, meth sales have to be through the roof. After four weeks of absolute pig shit football, both teams are dead last and next-to-last in total yards on offense and points per game. Nobody has punted more than Jacksonville, and nobody has benched more African-American starting quarterbacks than Tampa Bay. And most importantly, because neither of these two teams can get their shit together, we now have to sit through another fucking week of Skip Bayless asking the question, “Tim Tebow, why not?”

by Tommy Gimler

Sure, we’re stoned and just one quarter into the 2013 NFL season, but we have seen more than enough to confidently assume these six AFC teams will make this year’s postseason.

New England Patriots – AFC East

It’s not like the Patriots are going to finish 16-0, but winning games in Hotlanta and possibly Cincinnati this Sunday put them not only on a clear path to win the AFC East but also a first-round bye. If Brady can lead his cast of no names past the Bengals this weekend, the only real challenges the Patriots face the rest of the regular season are New Orleans and Denver at home and Houston on the road and LeGarrette Blount staying out of prison. And based on the way New Orleans plays outside of the Katrina refuge and Houston plays anywhere this year, the Pats could seriously be looking at a 14-2 mark by the time the postseason rolls around…

Cincinnati Bengals – AFC North

If you think any team out of the AFC North is walking out of this thing with a first-round bye, you’re fucking high. Based on each team’s remaining schedule, and considering the fact that both Baltimore and Cincy are tied behind first place…wait for it…Cleveland, the Bengals have the easiest road to another first-round playoff ass pounding amidst a 9-7 record at best. Not only do the Bengals have games against the Bills, Jets, Browns, Steelers, Vikings, and Lions, but the Ravens also currently feature a running game on par with Stephen Hawking’s and have games left against Green Bay, Chicago, Miami, New England, and two against a better Cincinnati team…

Houston Texans – AFC South

Sure, the Indianapolis Colts and Tennessee Titans currently reign atop the AFC South, but the most talent and easiest schedule lie in the heart of the fattest city in Texas. While the Colts get games against Denver, Seattle, and at Kansas City as well as two-game sets with Tennessee and Houston that they will most likely split, the Texans still have two against the Jaguars and other games against Arizona, St. Louis, Oakland, and Tennessee. With a defense that currently yields the fewest passing yards in the league to go along with an offense that is top ten in both rushing and passing, winning this division is almost as easy as Jennifer Love-Hewitt…

Denver Broncos – AFC West

Yeah, we really shouldn’t have to go into detail on this one…

Indianapolis Colts – Wild Card

By our calculations, which might be just a tad off thanks to this tainted brownie, the Colts, Dolphins, and Ravens will all finish somewhere between 8-8 and 10-6. All three of their remaining schedules feature several games that are too close to call, and when that’s the case, we’ll take the team whose quarterback on average doesn’t turn the ball over to the opposing team almost two times a game…

Kansas City Chiefs – Wild Card

The Chiefs might lose both games to the Broncos, but the rest of their schedule suggests that they’re going to make a bigger early January splash than unplanned pregnancies. Already 4-0, the Chiefs still have games against Oakland, Buffalo, Cleveland, San Diego (twice), Tennessee, and Washington. The only thing that will keep the Kansas City Chiefs out of the postseason is if the NFL makes a rule that says coaches must maintain a weight less than a 23-foot box truck. I mean, holy Christ. Just when you thought Andy Reid couldn’t possibly get any bigger…

by Tommy Gimler

It has been quite the crazy night in the NFL with the Raiders playing until almost three in the morning on the East Coast. And naturally, because they’re the Raiders and we’re doing our weekly post on the worst Sunday had to offer, we had to wait until that bitch went final…

Worst Game – Arizona Cardinals 22, Carolina Panthers 6

The Carolina Panthers came into their Week 5 matchup with the Arizona Cardinals allowing just twelve points per game to opponents, and given how Taylor Swift-awful their secondary is, that stat is amazing.  Arizona was averaging about 17 points per game, and that is just dog shit. Watching these two teams go head-to-head sounded like it would be almost as much fun as putting your cock up on a workbench and whaling away on that thing with a hammer. Carson Palmer and Cam Newton threw a combined six interceptions, and the first touchdown didn’t come until the 5:48 mark of the third quarter. If you chose to watch this game instead of the Broncos-Cowboys shootout, well, shame on you, you fucking idiot…

Worst Quarterback – Matt Schaub

Texans fans were already burning his jersey after last week’s choke job, and what did Matt Schaub have up his sleeve for an encore? Eh, how about being on the wrong side of a 34-3 curb stomping in which he threw for 173 yards, 0 touchdowns, and 3 more picks, one of which was returned for a 49ers touchdown? In doing so, Schaub became the first quarterback in NFL history to throw a pick-six in four consecutive games. Simply put, when the answer to a trivia question sounds like it should be Mark Sanchez but instead it’s you, you fucking blow…

Worst Coach – Gary Kubiak

Even my retarded cousin Peter would have benched Schaub after his second pick of the evening, and Peter spends most of his days chasing butterflies in the backyard and shitting his pants…

Worst Fantasy Running Back – Ryan Mathews

ESPN’s resident fantasy dork Eric Karabell had Mathews as the 22^nd best option at running back heading into Sunday’s games, so it’s safe to say his fake owners couldn’t have been expecting too much from the Chargers running back. But they sure as shit were hoping for more than just three carries for eight yards before leaving the field because of an injury. And there you have it. Another year, another Ryan Mathews injury. It’s still too early to tell how serious the injury is, though. We’re still unsure if Mathews couldn’t return because of a head injury or if he just had too much sand in his vagina…

Worst Statement Of The Day By A Radio Announcer That Came Out Quite Racist – Ron Wolfley, Arizona Cardinals

With the Cardinals clinging to a 12-6 early in the fourth quarter, Wolfley and his play-by-play announcer were discussing what the Panthers would do on 3^rd and 3 at the Arizona 11. Wolfey then told his partner not to forget about the “bowling ball with lips” known as Mike Tolbert. And oh yes, friends. Mike Tolbert is African-American. Our intern is still trying to get a statement from Riley Cooper in regards to his thoughts on the matter, but we’re sure that he’s very pleased with what he’s hearing these days down in Phoenix…

by Tommy Gimler

The Houston Texans’ 2013 season can pretty much be summed up with one word: fuck.

Despite boasting the number one passing defense in the NFL, the Texans have really taken some ass poundings the past several weeks. But that’s going to happen when your quarterback continues to complete more touchdown passes to the opposing defenses than his own team.

In Sunday’s 38-13 loss to the pig shit St. Louis Rams, the Texans took the words “hot mess” to a whole new level. Down 17-6 at halftime, Houston fans were already about as happy as a German Shepherd with syphilis. And they must of lost their fucking minds (well, at least the the ones who were still in the stadium) by the time T.J. Yates was intercepted late in the third quarter by Alec Ogletree, who proceeded to return it 98 yards for a Rams touchdown. That marked the fifth consecutive game in which a Texans quarterback threw a touchdown pass to the opposing team, the first time that has happened in NFL history.

After the game, Yates told reporters that he needs to be “smarter with the ball.”

No shit.

It has now been 34 days, in their September 9th 31-28 victory over San Diego, since the Houston Texans last made it through a game without their quarterback gift-wrapping six points to the opposing team. That’s a long period of time. Here’s a list of things that were going on back then:

*Eddie Kessler was still alive on Boardwalk Empire. Oh, spoiler alert by the way…

*Matt Schaub had three touchdowns and one interception to his name. He has since thrown eight picks to just four touchdowns…

*Blurred Lines, sung by the real-life son of the dad from Growing Pains, was still the number one song in America…

*The United States government was still open for business…

*The number one movie in the country was Riddick, and that’s just terrible, America. Shame on you…

*Tom Clancy, a great writer but a terrible interview, was still alive…

*Adrian Peterson was still paying child support…

*The world didn’t know that Jerry Jones uses the same phone as my mom:

by Tommy Gimler

Just when your fat ass thought the marketing and branding of professional athletes had finally hit its peak, the folks at Fantex Holdings come along and take it to a whole new level, offering stock in athletes in which the value depends solely on their economic success. Sign a huge contract? Cha-ching. Get a deal with Coca-Cola? Straight cash, homey. Get busted for masturbating in front of a girl after you ask to borrow her pen? Uh oh.

According to Yahoo! Sports, the first athlete up for sale will be Arian Foster, with $10.5 million in stock available for the Houston Texans running back.

Seem just kind of risky to sink your hard earned cash from working overtime at the Del Monte plant into a professional running back? You’re not alone. Even John Elway and the other big shots at Fantex offer up this disclaimer:

The offering is highly speculative and the securities involve a high degree of risk. Investing in a Fantex Inc. tracking stock should only be considered by persons who can afford the loss of their entire investment.

Hmmm. Allow us to proceed with just a tad of caution, as it sounds almost as shady as that little Mexican kid trying to sell me a broken prophylactic on the beach of Cancun.

But hey, what do we know? Maybe this is your chance to leave that Del Monte plant in the rearview mirror forever. After all, you did win your fantasy football league three of the last five years. And if that’s the case, let us at the very least offer up this list of guys who should demand zero dollars if they ever hit the Fantex market:

Christian Ponder – QB, Minnesota Vikings

There is no way to sugarcoat it. This guy fucking blows. With Josh Freeman and Matt Cassel now in front of him on the Vikings depth chart, the only endorsement this guy has on the horizon is being the poster child for no-talent ass clowns with hot wives. Unfortunately, there is zero money that comes with that deal, and that should pretty much sum up what his next contract will look like as well…

Darren McFadden – RB, Oakland Raiders

Unless your Fantex investment gives you a huge return when your athlete doesn’t play a full season, you’ll want to steer clear of this clown. But this is a tricky one, as we can totally see McFadden being hired as the spokesman for a windshield repair business, windows manufacturer, or pretty much any glass company. He could use the tagline, “Nobody knows glass like me, Darren McFadden, because I’m Mr. Glass.”

Kenny Britt – WR, Tennessee Titans

Britt has been arrested or involved with the po-po nine times since joining the NFL in 2009. So, unless you think Jos. A. Bank or Men’s Wearhouse is going to sponsor his court appearances and provide him with a sweet fucking suit every time he stands before a judge and explains that it was all just a big misunderstanding, you’ll want to shop elsewhere…

Daryl Washington – LB, Arizona Cardinals

If you take out the fact that he plays for the Arizona Cardinals, was suspended by the NFL for violating the league’s substance-abuse policy, and was arrested and booked on two counts of aggravated assault for beating the piss out of his baby mama this offseason, Daryl Washington could be a marketable guy. But unless he cashes in on playing the lead role in an Ike Turner biopic, there is pretty much zero chance this clown makes anything outside of his playing contract…

by Tommy Gimler

After finishing the 2012 campaign with an NFL-worst 2-14 record, this year’s Kansas City Chiefs are the lone unbeaten team, sitting atop the AFC West with a 9-0 record. If you called that, you’re a fucking liar.

AFC EAST

Current Standings                     On Pace For                   Vegas Said                  The DUD Said

1. New England Patriots 7-2        New England 12-4           New England 11-5       New England 12-4

2. New York Jets 5-4                      New York 8-8                    Miami 8-8                     Miami 8-8

3. Miami Dolphins 4-4                  Miami 8-8                          Buffalo 6.5-9.5             Buffalo 5-11

4. Buffalo Bills 3-6                          Buffalo 6-10                        New York 6.5-9.5        New York 4-12

Midseason Analysis: No surprise with New England atop the division standings, as the AFC East is pretty much a real life case of the movie Twins. In New England, they were trying to create the most fully-developed football team the world has ever seen, as all the purity and strength went into the Patriots. All the crap that was left over, went into what Joe Philbin sees in the mirror every morning.

Biggest Surprise: The Jets have somehow won more games at the halfway point than we had them pegged for at the end of the season. And the way they’re winning is more disgusting than a “not overly obese anymore” Rex Ryan sucking on his wife’s big toes. New York is 27th in points per game, Geno Smith’s quarterback rating is worse than Christian Ponder and Chad Henne, and their 17 giveaways are the most in the AFC. Their turnover differential (-10) is the fourth worst mark in the NFL, and their point differential of -62 is the third worst mark in the AFC. Yet if the season ended today, the Jets would be a postseason team…

AFC NORTH

Current Standings                On Pace For            Vegas Said                The DUD Said

1. Cincinnati Bengals 6-3        Cincinnati 12-4          Pittsburgh 9-7             Cincinnati 11-5

2. Cleveland Browns 4-5          Cleveland 6-10           Cincinnati 8.5-7.5      Baltimore 9-7

3. Baltimore Ravens 3-5           Baltimore 6-10           Baltimore 8.5-7.5        Cleveland 7-9

4. Pittsburgh Steelers 2-6         Pittsburgh 4-12          Cleveland 6-10             Pittsburgh 7-9

Midseason Analysis: The collapse of the Steelers and Ravens cannot be summed up with words, so we’re going to let this video of Kelsey Grammer illustrate just how far these franchises have fallen and how painful it’s been for their fan bases:

Biggest Surprise: We would like to take this time to apologize to the Cleveland Browns front office, as we ripped them a new one the day after trading away Trent Richardson, kind of like the way Lexington Steele would rip up a young porn starlet’s hump hole. The Browns won three straight games following that trade, and last week’s impressive victory over the division rival Ravens gave them sole possession of second place in the AFC North. Cleveland’s defense is giving up less than 316 yards a game, good for the 4th-best mark in the NFL. Brandon Weeden fucking blows, but Jason Campbell has thrown five touchdowns and zero picks in his last two games as the starter…

AFC SOUTH

Current Standings                On Pace For              Vegas Said                   The DUD Said

1. Indianapolis Colts 6-2          Indianapolis 12-4       Houston 10.5-5.5            Houston 11-5

2. Tennessee Titans 4-4           Tennessee 8-8             Indianapolis 8.5-7.5      Indianapolis 9-7

3. Houston Texans 2-6             Houston 4-12               Tennessee 6.5-9.5          Tennessee 6-10

4. Jacksonville Jaguars 0-8    Jacksonville 0-16       Jacksonville 5-11            Jacksonville 3-13

Midseason Analysis: Who knew that when we predicted the Jaguars would win three games this year that we were giving them way too much credit? The Colts are going to win this division, as they have four sure wins remaining on their schedule against St. Louis, Arizona, Houston, and Jacksonville to give them at worst a 10-6 record. But if you’re looking for a dark horse team to sneak into the postseason like a family of Latinos stuffed in the back of tractor trailer at the border, don’t overlook the Titans. A 9-7 AFC team can make the playoffs this year, and the Titans have two games against Jacksonville remaining on their schedule as well as a road game in Oakland and home games against Arizona and Houston. Win those, and a 9-7 record and a potential postseason berth could be in their future…

Biggest Surprise: What in the hell happened to Houston? The Texans were a sexy pick to finally get over the hump and make it to the Super Bowl this year, but it looks like the only way they’re getting into MetLife Stadium this February is if they all buy tickets. The Texans boast the number one defense in terms of yardage this year, but who gives a shit? When your quarterback is consistently handing the opposing team six points or setting them up at the Texans 25-yard line, it’s going to be tough to rack up yards on the defense. Houston’s -11 turnover differential is brutal, like having to sit next to a smelly Indian tourist on the bus brutal. Only the Giants have a worse mark, and they also blow…

AFC WEST

Current Standings               On Pace For            Vegas Said                  The DUD Said

1. Kansas City Chiefs 9-0        Kansas City 16-0       Denver 11.5-4.5             Denver 12-4

2. Denver Broncos 7-1             Denver 14-2                 Kansas City 7.5-8.5     Kansas City 8-8

3. San Diego Chargers 4-4     San Diego 8-8            San Diego 7.5-8.5         San Diego 6-10

4. Oakland Raiders 3-5              Oakland 6-10             Oakland 5.5-10.5          Oakland 4-12

Midseason Analysis: A year after being the turd division of the AFC, the West’s top three teams are sporting a combined record of 20-5. Nobody has scored more points per game than the Broncos. Nobody has given up fewer points per game than the Chiefs. The division’s combined point differential is +194. The next best division mark is the NFC West at +102. Peyton Manning and Philip Rivers are #1 and #3 in quarterback rating. Knowshon Moreno, Wes Welker, and Jamaal Charles are all top five in touchdowns scored. Shit, the AFC West is so awesome that even the Raiders have three wins this year, and at 3-5 through their first eight games, they are the best last place team in the NFL…

Biggest Surprise: The Chiefs’ 9-0 start is no doubt spectacular, but it’s not an “Oh my God, you are so awesome that here is my wife’s ass and please hammer away on it” kind of spectacular. The caliber of opponent that Kansas City has taken down does about as much for us as a video of Kathy Bates finger banging herself. Their opponents’ combined record so far this year is 27-49, good for a .355 winning percentage. Now, if they waltz into Denver next Sunday night and take care of business against Manning and company, then I’ll put my wife’s ass on a platter for them…

by Tommy Gimler

Peyton Manning set a new single-season touchdown record for quarterbacks. Tony Romo hit DeMarco Murray for a game-winning tuddy that, at least for one more week, saved the Cowboys’ season. Eli Manning played in a game that featured a pick six that he didn’t throw. Sunday was crazy. Like Lindsay Lohan bat shit crazy. And if for even just one minute you looked away at your buddy’s girlfriend as she bent over to unload the dishwasher, you may have missed some of the best stuff.

Eating Assholes

Unfortunately, we’re not talking about Daniel Snyder getting devoured by a mountain lion. Instead, here’s a picture of a hot dog vendor at FedEx Field who took time out of his day to enjoy his shitty product:

If you’re wondering why your Uncle Willie didn’t get you anything for Christmas this year, it’s probably because he is a hot dog vendor at FedEx Field, Well, was…

Pigskins and Foreskins

Packers fans weren’t the only ones pissed at Matt Flynn for his poor play in the second half of Green Bay’s 38-31 loss to Pittsburgh on Sunday. We’re pretty sure this cameraman also can’t wait for Aaron Rodgers to get back on the field after this dog shit pass from Flynn hit him right in the pork sword:

Hysterical. It’s great to see that a grown man getting hit in his Alabama black snake is still funnier than anything Larry The Cable Guy has ever done…

Bull Shit

The Ravens were hosting the Patriots. The ruling on the field was a fumble. The replays showed that Danny Amendola’s knee might have been down before the ball came out, so they overturned it. That kind of didn’t sit well with the home crowd:

Bull Shit

The game was in Baltimore, meaning that 1 out of every 4 of those foul-mouthed fuckers probably said the same thing when their doctor told them they had chlamydia…

The Detroit Lions Are Pure Dog Shit

Detroit Lions head coach (well, for now) Jim Schwartz is a tolerant man. Offseason DUI? No problem. Offseason aggravated assault? That’s OK. Booing the home team after blowing another fourth quarter lead? Unacceptable.

Schwartz whined to the media following their 23-20 overtime loss that his team “needed a lift” from the fans instead of the cascade of boos they hurled as the Lions took a knee to get to overtime instead of trying to take a few shots downfield to set up a game-winning field goal in regulation.

The Lions have blown fourth quarter leads in five of their last six games, losing each game where they have blown that lead. At 7-8, the Lions will miss the postseason again. To say that Matthew Stafford has been careless with the football is a bigger understatement than me saying I would like to hold Lindsey Duke’s hand, as everybody knows I would eat a cucumber salad out of her asshole. And I hate cucumbers.

The Detroit Lions have a shit ton of issues. But when your head coach’s biggest concern is thousands of booing fans, it’s obvious what the team’s biggest problem is…

Worst Play Of The Day

Since it came from the Jets game, I guess we could have chosen every play. But this one pretty much sums up the 2013 New York Jets:

The Jets Blow

by Tommy Gimler

An oddsmaking firm in Nevada called CG Technology has given everybody here at The DUD massive erections after releasing playoff odds for the upcoming NFL season. Only 21 teams received playoff odds, meaning it could be a long fucking year for fans in Buffalo, Oakland, and Cleveland.

Dreamy Tom Brady and the New England Patriots are the biggest favorites to make it to the postseason at -440 with the Denver Broncos sniffing their asses not too far behind at -400. But what fun is it to risk $440 to win $100 when there are so many better plays available? Here’s what we’re willing to throw grandma’s funeral fund on as well as the entire list of current 2014 NFL playoff odds…

Atlanta Falcons – YES +220

Let’s be honest. The injury bug hit Atlanta harder last year than a random skank who just got busted going through Chris Brown’s text messages. Roddy White was never 100 percent, and Julio Jones didn’t play a game after Week 5. Steven Jackson was a worthless turd for the most part, and losing Sean Witherspoon for the majority of the season was a huge blow. Expecting all of them to stay healthy in 2014 and combining it with the fact that Atlanta’s schedule is about as hard as a vegan’s dick, we’re all over the Falcons in 2014 like a fat kid on a birthday cake that isn’t even his…

Philadelphia Eagles – YES -110

The Eagles are far and away the best team in the NFC East. Dallas is almost as dysfunctional as a kid with Asperger’s waiting in line at Six Flags Magic Mountain, Eli Manning throws more completions to opposing defenses than his own team, and the Washington Redskins, well, hahaha. While even my mom knows how potent Chip Kelly’s offense is on a weekly basis, the Eagles defense is no slouch either. Last year’s unit was 10th-best against the rush, and their 23.9 PPG put them right in the middle of the pack. With six games against their pig shit division, the Eagles might clinch a playoff berth by late November…

Carolina Panthers – NO -280

The Panthers don’t have a schedule this time around that’s easier than an East Coast broad if you tell her you drive a BMW. The heart of their schedule features an eight-game stretch with games against Baltimore, Chicago, Cincinnati, Green Bay, Seattle, New Orleans, Philadelphia, and Atlanta. We expect Cam to be pouting at the podium on a weekly basis by the beginning of October…

Here’s the full list of all 21 teams that were given playoff odds by CG Technology, which we copied and pasted from ProFootballTalk:

AFC East
New England Patriots: Yes: -440. No: +340. (Suggested playoff odds: 81.5 percent).
Miami Dolphins: Yes: +300. No: -400. (Suggested playoff odds: 25.0 percent).

AFC North
Pittsburgh Steelers: Yes: +120. No: -150. (Suggested playoff odds: 45.5 percent).
Cincinnati Bengals: Yes: +135. No: -165. (Suggested playoff odds: 42.6 percent).
Baltimore Ravens: Yes: +160. No: -190. (Suggested playoff odds: 38.5 percent).

AFC South
Indianapolis Colts: Yes: -175. No: +145. (Suggested playoff odds: 63.6 percent).
Houston Texans: Yes: +225. No: -275. (Suggested playoff odds: 30.8 percent).

AFC West
Denver Broncos: Yes: -400. No: +300. (Suggested playoff odds: 80.0 percent).
Kansas City Chiefs: Yes: +350. No: -550. (Suggested playoff odds: 22.2 percent).
San Diego Chargers: Yes: +350. No: -500. (Suggested playoff odds: 22.2 percent).

NFC East
Philadelphia Eagles: Yes: -110. No: -120. (Suggested playoff odds: 52.4 percent).
Dallas Cowboys: Yes: +240. No: -300. (Suggested playoff odds: 29.4 percent).
New York Giants: Yes: +240. No: -300. (Suggested playoff odds: 29.4 percent).

NFC North
Green Bay Packers: Yes: -170. No: +140. (Suggested playoff odds: 63.0 percent).
Chicago Bears: Yes: +250. No: -320. (Suggested playoff odds: 28.6 percent).
Detroit Lions: Yes: +250. No: -320. (Suggested playoff odds: 28.6 percent).

NFC South
New Orleans Saints: Yes: -145. No: -105. (Suggested playoff odds: 59.2 percent).
Atlanta Falcons: Yes: +220. No: -270. (Suggested playoff odds: 31.3 percent).
Carolina Panthers: Yes: +230. No: -280. (Suggested playoff odds: 30.3 percent).

NFC West
Seattle Seahawks: Yes: -250. No: +200. (Suggested playoff odds: 71.4 percent).
San Francisco 49ers: Yes: -210. No: +175. (Suggested playoff odds: 67.7 percent).

Good luck, degenerates…

by Rakesh the Intern

I’m telling you, bro. You take away severe public urination problem and fact that everyone in my extended family smell like bad cheese from goat, and the summer away from America here in Howrah really is not too much of problem, bro. And apparently this sports blog has yet to matter in lives of enough Americans, so it look like my boss will have me writing about betting on American football without paying of money to me for doing so, my friend.

So, it look like these thug in Vegas have release over/under win total for all 32 NFL team this year, and let me tell you something, bro, there are many easy pickings this year. It is like somebody is saying, “Hey Rakesh, go play a game of hoops with your cousin Gokul and if you beat him, I will give you 3,000 Rupee.” And listen, my friend, Gokul has a baby left hand and suck shit at hoops.

Anyway, bro, here is what I am thinking for this year’s AFC over/under win totals:

Oakland Raiders UNDER 5 wins

Check it out, bro. This division produce three playoff teams a year ago, and the Raiders were not one of them, my friend. Their 2014 opponents had .578 winning percentage last year, and Oakland is still same shit from pig team this year, bro. Somebody has to lose games in this division, and with Matt Schaub throwing passes to other team on weekly basis, this one could hit by Thanksgiving. Load and lock up with kid’s college fund, bro…

Buffalo Bills OVER 6.5 wins

Listen, bro. This one remind me of my dead Uncle Rishabh. He used to walk into Howrah billiards room and play like shit from pig for like 12 or 14 game, and then when nobody was expecting much from Rishabh, he would clean house and take every player’s money. This is how I feel about the Bills this year, my friend. I think AFC East is weaker than my cousin Palash, and he has AIDS, bro. There are also games on schedule against Browns, Raiders, Vikings, and Lions. Just hopefully after they win all their games they aren’t shot in back of their head like my Uncle Rishabh. Sad shit, bro, but fucking with guys at billiards room in Howrah is dangerous shit, my friend…

Pittsburgh Steelers OVER 8.5 wins

Check it out, bro. There are more cupcake on Pittsburgh’s schedule this year than on my Uncle Dinesh’s dinner plate. Fat shit, bro. The Steelers get two games against Cleveland, plus games against Tennessee, Jacksonville, Houston, the shit from pig Jets, and Tampa Bay. Plus they get teams like Indianapolis, New Orleans, and Kansas City at home. I’m telling you, bro. Unless their quarterback rape some girl again, this Steelers team could win 12 game this year, my friend…

Here are the rest of the over/under totals from the AFC. Good luck, bro…

New England Patriots – 10.5

Miami Dolphins – 8.5

New York Jets – 7

Buffalo Bills – 6.5

Indianapolis Colts – 9.5

Houston Texans – 7.5

Tennessee Titans – 7

Jacksonville Jaguars – 4.5

Cincinnati Bengals – 9

Pittsburgh Steelers – 8.5

Baltimore Ravens – 8.5

Cleveland Browns – 6.5

Denver Broncos – 11.5

Kansas City Chiefs – 8

San Diego Chargers – 8

Oakland Raiders – 5